apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
