at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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