Can Purell be used as lube?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
