i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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