so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
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