If i could tip my vagina, i would.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
