I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
