The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
