I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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