When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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