***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
