I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
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