I want to walk on stilts...naked
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
