hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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