I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
