it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
