your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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