they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
