I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
