I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight