How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
