But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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