Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
