she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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