Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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