Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
