Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Semen is not good for contacts.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
