I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
