Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
