dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
