You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
