I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
