the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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