i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
