So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
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He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
FUCK WHALES
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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