Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
