he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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