i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sext me about skeletons
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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