my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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