I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
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You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
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Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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