What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
