My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
