Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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