can we get nightvision for the apartment?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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