weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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