She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
