I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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