Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
