swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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