i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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