Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
