i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
What changed your mind?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right