I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
